The Better Version

A gentle note: This episode is educational and reflective, not a replacement for professional care. You may pause at any time. If you need immediate support, visit the US crisis contacts and worldwide support.

Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend.

It was one of those emotionally charged conversations that makes your heart a little heavy. We had been circling around the topic of not being enough.

Whether that may be not being smart enough, attractive enough, brave enough, ambitious enough, consistent enough, tolerant enough, empathetic enough, resilient enough, creative enough, kind enough, I could keep going for quite a while.

Just not being good enough in any aspect. Which is such a weird thing to think about because humans have a survival-based mindset. This is otherwise known as self-preservation.

Self-preservation is the inherent tendency of living organisms to take actions that enhance our chances of survival, while also minimizing potential harm. So why would we need to be cool in order to survive?

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that wearing the latest trend is going to enhance our chance of survival. Why is it so important to the blob in our heads that we seem a certain way?

And when you think about it, seeming a certain way can overwrite our basic needs. For instance, we'll stop eating all together just so that our physique can be accepted.

There are a lot of other examples that we could use, but let's just stick with this one. You need food. You and your body both know that, but sometimes the need to belong is stronger than your hunger for food.

This one hurts my heart a lot. Two biological needs are clashing. The need to feed your body and the need to fit in the people around you.

It's crazy to watch and see which one of those needs will dominate.

Anyway, back to the conversation that I was talking about at the start of this episode, my friend was saying that he didn't feel like he was enough.

Then before I could give my masterly advice, he started rattling off all of the things that he was going to do in order to combat the fact that he felt like he wasn't enough.

I told him, you have a vision of who you feel like you need to be in order for the people that treated you badly to love you and treat you right, and you put that version of you into a glass box in your head.

If you're not that version, you tell yourself that you weren't lovable. Not yet, at least. After I said this, it felt like I had been punched in the gut by myself.

I was trying to give my friend wise advice. Meanwhile, I had just answered the question that I had been asking myself for years. The question being, why is it that even when I reach my goals and accomplish things, I still feel like I'm not enough?

Because honestly, when you cross things off your to-do list, shouldn't you feel relieved and proud of yourself? Apparently, that's not how it works for everyone.

I was so focused on doing things to prove myself to everybody else that I forgot why I was doing it in the first place. Without realizing it, I had a glass case version of myself too. And not to brag or anything, but she is absolutely perfect.

She is so smart that she has her doctoral in psychology and has her own private practice. She is one of the strongest people ever and can lift a crazy amount of weight. She is an outstanding business owner and makes all of her clients so happy.

She has the healthiest relationships. She just has everything handled. She is everything that I wish I could be, but I'm not.

I created every goal that I can think of in order to become this version. I started working on each of these goals, but even if I did accomplish things, if I wasn't yet identical to the glass case version, I would beat myself up for it.

I mean, if I wasn't the version that other people could love yet, why should I love myself? This probably had a lot to do with the fact that the people I had in my life loved the idea of me instead of who I already am.

They knew the person that I wanted to become, and they fell in love with that version. Honestly, I don't blame them. That version is pretty great.

But I'm not her. I'm me. Do I have my doctorate in psychology yet?

Do I have massive muscles? Do I have the best business skills? Do I reach out to my friends and family as much as I should?

Do I even make my bed every day? Hell no to all of those, and that's okay. Even without those things, I am still smart, strong, hardworking, loving, and able.

But remembering that isn't almost the easiest thing to do. This is because I'm fighting against my core wounds. My good friend, Sigmund Freud, he's totally not my friend, but that would be so cool if he was, had a theory.

Bestie's theory was that humans are motivated by two instincts, those instincts being self-preservation and reproduction. Both of these instincts are the components of Eros.

Eros is a life instinct, a fundamental drive focused on survival, reproduction, creation, and last but not least, connection. Eros was the Greek god of love. He represented the energy that compels humans to stay alive, cooperate, and bond.

The opposite of Eros is the Natos. The Natos is the Greek god of peaceful death. The force of the Natos represents the unconscious urge towards self-destruction, risk-taking, and aggression.

So with these two, we've got the ray of sunshine and the grumpy butt. According to Sigmund Freud, everyone has both the life drive and the death drive. In modern psychology, Eros and the Natos are not proven biological certainties.

They're more of a philosophical concept and useful way to describe self-destructive habits. Freud believed that everyone has an internal battle of the opposing forces of Eros and the Natos.

This battle influences everything from daily choices to destructive conflicts. Why am I telling you all of this? I promise that I'm getting someone worth all of these weird facts.

The place that I'm taking us to right now puts us in a minivan that is driving across the state. Eros and the Natos are similar to younger siblings on a very long road trip. They can't seem to get along with one another.

Imagine it this way. You're on a road trip with these two and you're sitting in between them. One of them is looking out the window and exclaiming, This is the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen in my life.

My eyes are being blessed. While the other one responds with, This is the ugliest place that I have ever seen. We should just wreck the car to put ourselves out of our misery.

I'm sure by this point, you can tell which sibling is which. A few quiet minutes go by before Eros goes, These snacks, they're the best ones that I've ever had. Then the dad of the family that is driving goes, Oh, let me try some.

He puts his hand back for the dad tax, and while he's doing this, the Natos mumbles, The snacks are probably disgusting, and I hope you choke on them.

Because things are getting tense, the mom of the family turns on the radio to try to lighten the mood. An upbeat song comes on. Eros immediately says, I love this song so much.

I'm so happy that this is what's playing right now. How lucky are we? With no hesitation at all, Thanato screams, turn this crap off right now before I jump out of the car and roll down the freeway like a tumbleweed.

It's getting more and more awkward by the second. This is very close to the equivalent of what the brain is doing 24-7.

It's the two polar opposite sides screaming at each other in disagreement while you're just sitting there in the middle like, all right, can you guys just figure your shit out, please? Like, come on, do we really need to argue over everything?

The answer is yes. Yes, we do. This is because both Eros and Thanatos bring value.

Same with little siblings, they're annoying, but you probably wouldn't know what to do without them.

Eros provides inspiration, helps boost health, and encourages a positive outlook on the future, and helps build the belief that you'll have favorable outcomes. Even though Thanatos is more of a Debbie Downer, the grump still has something to offer.

are real risks and limits. All in all, they usually balance each other out. It all depends on the person. I know that for me, I have to encourage Eros to open up because he's a little shy in my brain.

Thanatos has no issue with being loud, though. He will tell me all day, every day, about how many flaws I have and all the bad things that could potentially happen.

When it comes to the glass case version of ourselves, Eros and Thanatos play huge roles. Eros tells you to love who you are right now, while Thanatos tells you to be aware of the flaws that you foster.

It is so easy to beat ourselves up for not being perfect because fitting in is more than just a trend, it's survival. This is a lot of the reason why we feel the need to seem a certain way to others.

It's not just, I have to fit in with the cool kids. It's that ancient humans needed to be in groups to ensure food and protection against predators. It's not just, the rejection from this really cute guy is going to be the end of me.

It's that rejection felt like a physical threat to our early ancestors, and so on and so forth. We have several survival instincts that are a part of our brains wiring. Our ancestors have passed down these survival instincts without even knowing it.

These inherited survival instincts are to help guide us through life safely. It's kind of like in Mulan when her ancestors are helping guide and protect her.

I can just imagine my great, great, great, great grandfather watching me from above and screaming, No! The guy you're so interested in right now is going to ruin the bloodline because he doesn't even wash his hands after using the bathroom.

Shout out to Grams for that, save. In all seriousness, the survival instincts are very real. A lot of the time, we just don't realize that they're happening in full force.

We don't realize why we get so insecure, upset, fearful, and more for an actual reason, and not just for kicks and giggles.

All of these reactions make it seem even more difficult to become the person that's in the glass case, because how can we be the perfect version if we're having imperfect emotions?

This kind of sucks because becoming the glass case version would be a dream.

But you got to remember that there's another version of you too. I didn't know about this other version until I was in a psychiatric ward around the age of 16. More drop, I know.

But during my time in the psych ward, I definitely took on the role of everyone's mom or motivational coach, if you will.

That was mostly because I couldn't stand the fact that there were other people out there that were fighting demons that were a lot like mine.

I knew how scary mine were and how hard it was to live with them, so it drove me insane that other people had to go through the same thing, or things like it. To deal with that feeling of insanity, I would try my best to help the people around me.

One night after me and the other kids had eaten our dinner and the nurses had taken our vitals, we were sitting around the main living area. One of the other girls in the ward that I was friends with had struggled to cry from across the room.

I walked over to her, sat down, and asked her what was wrong. She responded by telling me that she was so fat and ugly that she couldn't live with herself anymore because of that.

And even if she did lose the weight and become better looking, that's all she would ever see herself as. At first, I didn't really know what to say because I was struggling with my mental health at the time too.

But after a few moments of silence, I asked her something. A question that hit me with the same force that it hit her, if not more. My question was this.

If younger you was standing in front of you, would you tell her that she is fat and ugly and because of that, she doesn't deserve to live? She blinked pretty hard a few times before responding with, no, because she didn't do anything wrong.

And neither did you, I told her. We talked for a while more before it was time to go to bed, and she was able to go to bed feeling a little bit better. That night, I laid on the small blue mat that I called my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Up until that moment, I had been so harsh with myself. I mean, my grades were absolutely horrible. My family was beyond disappointed with me and didn't know how to handle me.

And honestly, I didn't know how to handle myself either. But thinking about the younger version of me, changed how I saw myself, and in turn, changed how I treat myself.

Treating yourself as if you were the younger version is one of the most important things that you can do for yourself, in my mind. And I'm not saying that you should have a nap time or snackies, but actually, that's not a bad idea.

But with younger children, you usually aren't going to be so harsh with them.

For instance, if I were to drop a cup of water, and if the water splashed everywhere nine times out of ten, my thought process would be, you idiot, why couldn't you just hold the damn cup? Now you have to clean up all of this water.

This is so embarrassing. But if I were to see a child do the exact same thing, as soon as a cup hit the ground, I would make sure that they are okay because dropping things can sometimes be startling.

I would then let them know that mistakes happen, and that it can always be cleaned up and taken care of. I would also probably make some silly joke like age too well, more like age too well. Oh, that was really bad.

Anyway, it's okay if we gentle parent ourselves sometimes, and I get the motivational tough love thing. I really do. But we don't have to be so harsh with ourselves all the time.

It's important to take care of the younger version of us because that version is still inside of us.

It usually shows up through core wounds, like when we feel that we aren't good enough, not worth being loved, all of those very not fun things to have to deal with. When these core wounds are triggered, things get a little tricky.

Our brain reacts to our core wounds being activated as a threat. I don't know about those of you that are listening, but activated core wounds do feel pretty threatening. It's kind of like when I got stitches in my stomach a few years ago.

During my first night back from the hospital, I woke up in the middle of the night to one of the biggest scares in my life.

When I woke up, I couldn't see a whole lot because the only light source in my room was a small nightlight that was on in the corner. It was around 2 in the morning, and I was slowly waking up.

When I was coming to my senses, I placed my hand on my stomach and felt the bump, and the pokiness of the stitches poking through my shirt.

But because I wasn't fully there yet, my brain registered the bump in the stitches poking through my shirt as a spider. So like any sane person would, I smacked the ever-loving hell out of my stomach. And if you're wondering, yes, it did hurt.

From an outside perspective, this seems like the dumbest thing that I could have done. But to me, it was the smartest. My brain registered a threat, and my reflex was to protect myself.

Core wounds can act like this when they're activated too. To other people, it makes no sense. But to you, the person that is experiencing the fear or illusion of fear, it makes the most sense.

Our brain will do everything it can to better our chances of survival. If anything threatens our survival, the brain tends to freak out a little bit. And that's when our reflexes kick in.

Everyone's look different, but we all have them in most situations, especially the situations that trigger our core wounds. Sometimes our reflexes can end up hurting us more than protecting us though.

I've done this in my own life other than just the big spider incident. I was dating a guy that triggered my core wound that I wasn't enough to be loved.

I became obsessed with proving to him that I was worth being loved, which in turn kind of made it, so the relationship failed, and my mental health also failed, so...

But the only reason I felt the need to do this was because growing up, I felt like I wasn't worth being loved. I was the adopted child, and I was also the weird kid in school, and that combo was lethal at home.

I couldn't do anything right, and it was very clear that I wasn't treated the same as my siblings.

Then I would go to school and get bullied pretty bad, or talking being shoved into the mud and getting punched and kicked over and over while being held down.

Deep down, I thought that the reason I was being treated this way was because I wasn't enough, not yet at least. And if I just showed that I was enough, if I could just prove it to people, they would stop being so mean.

Because of this need to prove that I was enough, I became addicted to reading people. That way, I could have a better understanding of where I stood with them and how close I was to being enough for them.

At first, it was just reading people, but while learning how to read others, I realized the truth behind the saying, hurt people hurt people. You can't tell exactly what people have been through. That's nearly impossible.

But you can kind of see the building blocks of what made the person who they are based off of the way that they interact with the world. Kind of like if a dog is being abused by a male, it will become aggressive or skittish anytime it sees a male.

It's another one of those cause and effect things. This happened, so this in turn will happen. The equation just gets a little bit more complex because we don't know the first part of it, the cause, if you will.

I'm not the best when it comes to math, but it might help me explain things a bit better. So, if I buy 60 watermelons, just kidding, we'll be getting more into algebra rather than the story questions where strangers buy an insane amount of fruit.

As you all know, A plus B equals C. Why does this work? I have no clue.

Anyway, in this equation, A represents past events, the object over subject of happenings. Loss, criticism, unstable environment, those types of things. B is core beliefs.

The self-protective narrative that you created about yourself and the world as a result. For example, I am unlovable. I can't trust anyone.

I must be perfect all the time in order to be safe. C represents core wounds. Core wounds are the results of deep emotional injury that drives present-day triggers.

This fun little guy lives in your nervous system and makes sure that you remember those emotional wounds. Additional parts to this formula are current triggers and the result. So, the whole setup of the equation looks like this.

You carry the formula, which is the past event plus core belief equals core wound. Then the trigger, minor event, occurs.

Following the trigger is how your brain views the current event through the lens of your core belief, which instantly flares up your core wound.

Because of this equation and the way that it impacts how the brain views things, the brain will go into overdrive trying to protect itself. This can come through in multiple different ways. First is the perfectionist mask.

This one is where you need absolutely everything to be perfect or else. This mask is driven by a core wound of inadequacy. The belief is, if I'm flawless, nobody can reject me.

The next mask is the people pleaser mask. This is where you will do everything in your power to make other people happy even if it negatively affects you. This is driven by a core wound of abandonment.

The belief is, if I sacrifice my needs for yours, you will never leave me. The next is the hyper independent mask. This one makes it very hard to accept help because the core wound is betrayal or mistrust.

The belief is, if I don't rely on anyone, nobody can let me down or hurt me. For the last mask, we have the controller mask. This one makes it so you need everything to be a certain way.

Kind of like the my way or highway mindset. The core wound is helplessness and the belief is, if I control everything and everyone around me, nobody can catch me off guard or hurt me again.

There are several more masks, but we'll just keep it short with those ones. Do you guys remember that one time when we were on a global pandemic and we all had to stay inside and wear masks at the time?

One of the things that I hated about that was the masks. I knew that I needed to wear them, but they felt overstimulating as hell. I could feel it rubbing against my face, and the air that I was breathing out would heat up the inside of my mask.

And then when we were able to take them off, people couldn't even recognize each other. I remember seeing some of my friends' full faces for the first time and going, Oh, so that's what you look like.

Yes, the masks were there for our own safety, but they got annoying very quickly. This is what defensive mechanism masks can sometimes feel like.

The defense mechanism masks can feel like they are there for our protection, but they're also stuffy and quite suffocating. And as soon as we take them off, we feel exposed.

Partially because a lot of people go, Oh, so that's what you look like without the mask. I guess Brenda, maybe the reason I cracked so many dark humor jokes is because I'd rather laugh instead of crash out.

I don't want anyone to know the reason behind why I do it though. I'd honestly much rather mask in peace, which is nice because I don't have to worry about external judgment, but that also leaves me stuck in the mask all alone.

With stale warm air stuck in my face, the material rubbing on my face, and nobody knows what I really look like without it. Yes, sometimes it is there to protect us, but it's not supposed to be there forever. You deserve fresh air.

Along with the COVID-19 masks, we were allowed to not wear the masks when we were around the people that we lived with. Same goes for our defense mechanism masks.

It's okay to take the masks off around the people that you're in close relation to and feel safe with.

Why am I telling you all this random shit about core wounds and how they change the way that our brains operate and interact with the world around us?

Because for one, I'm a yapper, and for two, the core wounds are a huge part of what built the glass case version of you. You're told several times that you're dumb, so the glass case version of you is now a modern day Einstein.

Your body shames that the glass case version of you now displays the ideal physique. You're told that you aren't doing enough, so the glass case version always has things going on, and time blocks like a pro.

Our core wounds can center belief systems on fire, and that's obviously pretty uncomfortable, so of course we're going to try and put the fire out.

Evolving into who everyone else wants us to be is the water in this scenario. But what if the goal isn't to put the fire out? What if it's to prevent the fire from starting in the first place?

Yes, that seems like the most obvious thing in the world, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to forget those preventative steps. Imagine a field of grass. If the field of grass is dry, it's a lot more prone to catch on fire.

But if the grass is wet and has been frequently watered, it stands a better chance at fighting whatever fire tries to start. This is because water needs a huge amount of energy to change from a liquid into a gas.

212 is way too cool for the grass cells to break down and release flammable gases and ignite.

The thick water vapor that is being created by the heat will push away all the oxygen from the surface of the grass blades, starving any tiny flame of the gas and needs to keep burning.

Dry grass will catch fire a lot easier because it doesn't have the protection of the water. If you water your grass, it's less likely to catch on fire. If you practice self-love, that is the equivalent of you watering your grass.

Because you love yourself, the external judgment and criticism will just turn into vapor. Yes, it still gets pretty heated, but it doesn't light your heart on fire nearly as easily.

When you address the core wounds, that is another great way to water the grass. It's important to take care of all versions of you, especially the younger you. And yeah, yeah, the glass case version of you is great.

But everything you have to offer right now, in this very second, is enough. You don't have to wait to become the perfect version of yourself to be loved. You are lovable just as you are.

Surround yourself with people that love you and not just the idea of you. My challenge is this. Learn to love the version of you that's not perfect.

As humans, we are always learning and growing, so not being perfect yet is just fine. And to be frank, perfection is based on perspective anyway.

I think that all up in your Cheetos and iced vanilla berry red bulls are perfect, but other people will think differently, and that's okay.

What's not okay is treating yourself badly and allowing others to treat you badly just because you aren't where you think you should be yet. Because where you are right now, flaws and imperfections included, are right where you are meant to be.

Whatever trials you are facing, are stronger than whatever they are. As Christopher Robin once said, You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.break down big ideas about growth, emotions, and self-discovery.

If you're ready to reflect, laugh a little bit, and see what you're really made of, you're in the right place. Let's dive in. Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend.